What to bring for dinner
Dec
22
One of my long time friends just wrote me earlier today. Not seeing her for a long time I was looking forward to seeing her, and I invited her to join us for dinner on Friday night.
She was very happy to accept the invitation, and asked what she could bring. I asked her not to bring anything and just come. She wrote back insisting that she wants to bring something.
Here is my email to her ……
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Dear XXXXX, (I used her name in the email, I am just erasing it here)
I am actually very happy that you are insisting on bringing something. It is very kind of you, and I highly appreciate it
Here are the 2 options, and you can bring either one of these or both (for ease I am attaching the recipes)
1) Roasted Garlic Souffle http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Roasted-Garlic-Souffle-241739
2) Triple Chocolate Chunk Pecan Pie http://sweetpeaskitchen.com/2011/12/17/triple-chocolate-chunk-pecan-pie/
Looking forward to having dinner together on Friday
Irrationally yoursDan
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p.s. I found these recipes by searching for the most time consuming and difficult recipes to make (see link here). I am not sure what she will bring, but the odds are that she will not ask me again what to bring.
happy holidays
Dan
My latest book, The Upside of Irrationality, explores some positive and some negative ways that irrationality plays out in our lives.
So, what is the punchline? The lesson? She is going to hate you…and the lesson is only learned by her–not everyone you may invite in the future. It seems to be a “single serving” solution.
Dan – I suffer from the same inability to spontaneously think of something my events are missing that I’m willing to delegate, coupled with indelible mischief. I usually quote the movie Fletch in this situation:
Nurse [prospective guest]: Can I get you something? [or Can I bring something to dinner?]
Fletch [you/me]: Yeah, do you have the Beatles’ White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you’re out there.
My bet is on her recognising this for exactly what it is and bring something else, say a bottle of wine, a flower or some chocolate.
And, the point is…?
There’s no indication that this was meant as anything other than a serious response. It seems rather passive-aggressive smart-alecky, but then you are long-time friends. On the other hand, you haven’t seen each other in a long time so perhaps it’s time for each to re-evaluate the friendship?
*Normally*, when someone insists on bringing something, it could be an invitation to bring her favorite dessert to share or a bottle of Champagne to start or finish dinner or even flowers for the dining table. None of these infringe on a menu already planned while taking into account the possibility that her cooking leaves something to be desired.
But, when you go out of your way to find the most difficult recipes you can find…seems rather juvenile, don’t you think?
Does it seem almost as pointless as writing a response to a blog post to tell somebody that something they did is pointless Lydia?
So, you can’t see the funny side Lydia?
@painter,
Maybe it is just one way of breaking a needless cycle, or perhaps Dan has sociopathic tendencies. If the host insists on needing nothing it may be in good manners to oblige said host.
Wiseguy!
Let us know what how it goes.
I hope she pulls it off…just to spite him.
Plus, they both sound pretty tasty…
Awesome – for those that think this is being a jerk: haven’t you read Dan Ariely’s books? He is a researcher in behavioral economics! I can’t imagine any of his close friends wouldn’t see this as a humorous and deserving response.
This was my thought too – by anyone else, this would be pretty obnoxious, but someone who knows Prof. Ariely and what he does should be prepared to deal with something this strange involving him, with a sense of humor.
Nice move!:) Did you do this to prove her that she is not ready to spend real energy/time and that her desire to bring something is forced just by social norms? Isn’t it more simple just to smile and let them do whatever they want?
You missed your chance! Based on your recent lament regarding your publisher’s gift, you should have told your guest to bring you the Porsche 911 you want. Did she limit your responses to food items? I don’t think so.
Actually, my wife sometimes does take that line on occasion when asked. She’ll say: you don’t have to bring anything, but if you want, you can bring us a Porsche.
Level of difficulty is relative. Your guest may surprise you.
That you researched specifically to find such recipes is a bit strange. I usually just say “surprise me”.
Of course if she reads this blog to see what you’ve been up to during the period since you last met, it would be very interesting to read her reaction to this post being made public.
A bit strange? you too didn’t get it then….
No, I got it. I simply feel there are many appropriate ways to handle such a situation. Choosing to look up time intensive recipes just to make a point seems, as I wrote earlier, strange by comparison.
Souffles don’t travel. You have to eat them straight out of the oven.
“There’s nothing harder than learning how to receive” eh?
I suppose your friends expect such from you. It did recall some tricks my friends and I played via telephone when we were eight years old. Thanks for the gift of a smile and a wag of the head.
What a naughty boy!. …. I hope she decides to bring triple Chocolate Chunk Pecan Pie. Salud!
Nice free experiment you’ve started here!
)
What shall I say ? What is the right answer ?
PS: next time try some recipes from molecular cuisine, a recipe that needs industrial/lab resources and the cooking time is longer than the time to your party.
Why on earth does she have to ask? Wine, flowers or chocolates are standard.
I agree with Dan. Just bring flowers or chocolates and enjoy being with your friends
It seems to me the point to be the same of the guilt-relief issue of getting a gift, seen from the other side.
it is rather a favour to her: in this way she doesn’t have to look ostentatious.
Or, being insistent, maybe she wants to tell that she acquired some high-level expertise in cooking, and Dan’s requests will let her show exactly how much “high” this level is..
While your initial and even 2nd declination was polite, you wound up being rude to someone coming to your house as a guest. This isn’t rude on her part, just clueless enough not to figure out a host gift if told not to bring something. This seems to fly in the face of the social binding you were writing about with gift giving. Give your guest the opportunity to build bond if it means that much to her. “You really don’t have to bring anything, but if you need to, another appetizer would always be nice. We’ll be serving x, y and z already. Thanks, but please don’t feel obligated. Your presence is what we seek.”
Part of this is gauging that someone that persistent won’t be deterred by humor.
Just a little etiquette tip: Flowers are typically not a good gift to bring a host/hostess. The last thing a host needs to do when greeting guests and making sure they are comfortable and enjoying the evening is take the time out to prepare the flowers in a vase.
it seems you have really annoying friends, or probably they want to be seen as such…you know the behaviour changes before the researcher’s eye!
I read that and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘what an asshole.’ Seriously. I’m glad other people are calling you out.
However, I’ve decided to give you a break, because I figure you must be drunk. It is the holidays after all, and it’s a reason why an otherwise smart person might act like a boastful prick. Unless, of course, you actually are one. In which case, it explains a lot.
I think its funny… but in an “evil” kind of way…
Why destroy her instinct to share her caring by asking for an outrageous amount a of time and effort. It is equivalent to asking for Baccarat or caviar. It tells her that your needs are so difficult to please that she simply should not try. We have had such encounters. And all that do is to create a gulf between the intended recipient and the giver.
Happy Chanukah
I really see nothing wrong. If they were strangers it would certainly come off as rude, but since they are friends, it’s just a bit of joking around.
Dan
Problably She will get you something ele, but it is a predicaly irrational way to say “just come”
I’d love to know what happened! I also wonder if you might share some insight on why it happened?
Me too. What happened?
p.s. If I were in her shoes I’d pretend I didn’t know you were joking. I’d buy a regular pecan pie at the supermarket and transfer it to a glass pie pan. Then I’d break up a Hershey bar into pieces and hammer them in and throw some brown sugar on top. I’d try to pass it off as the real deal, complete with talk about how I must need more practice in the kitchen since it took me SO LONG to prepare it…
I have a better cake to request (more calories per hour): Death by chocolate
http://baking.food.com/recipe/death-by-chocolate-a-la-trellis-356724
Once again you have solved a very big recurring problem for me. AND, you are so funny.
Thank you,
Mary
Mary.. are You THAT friend Dan was talking about ?!
Why destroy her instinct to share her caring by asking for an outrageous amount a of time and effort. It is equivalent to asking for Baccarat or caviar. It tells her that your needs are so difficult to please that she simply should not try. We have had such encounters. And all that do is to create a gulf between the intended recipient and the giver.
Happy Chanukah
I love it.
I think she might not turn up.
I love to play with people, the wealth on this planet is the people that are one it and amusing oneself with them is mandatory.
I think his response is funny.
The friend is pushy, she pushes boundaries. She deserves that response and if she makes the souffle, even better.
Wow, you weren’t the first to think of this. mertcan has been churning out every recipe from The Joy Of Cooking for similarly demanding friends. Life is physically exhausting for the Literal and Humorless.
The pecan pie recipe is decadence in pie form and if you share the work between two people is not that time consuming.
I do like your point though.
At any rate, thanks for the recipe
I find an interesting disconnect between this post and the December 17 post on the social utility of gifts. You’ve blown off the value of the offer, possibly insulted the guest, and for what gain?
Oh yeah, I forgot to quote a prominent behavioral economist on the topic:
A second important kind of gift is one that tries to create or strengthen a social connection. The classic example is when somebody invites us for dinner and we bring something for the host. It’s not about economic efficiency. It’s a way to express our gratitude and to create a social bond with the host.
Sound familiar?
Dan said perfect thing. I really appreciate his writen.
So? What did she bring!?!