Sex, Shaving, and Bad Underwear
Sex, Shaving, and Bad Underwear
Or how to trick yourself into exerting self-control
Recently, I gave a lecture on the problem of self-control. You know the one: At time X you decide that you’re done acting a certain way (No more smoking! No more spending! No more unprotected sex!), but then when temptation strikes, you go back on your word.
As I mention in Predictably Irrational, this predicament has to do with our inherent Jekyll-Hyde nature: We just aren’t the same person all the time. In our cold, dispassionate state, we stick to our long-term goals (I will lose ten pounds); but when we become emotionally aroused, our short-term wants take the helm (Oh but I am hungry, so I’ll have that slice of cake). And what’s worse, we consistently fail to realize just how differently we’ll act and feel once aroused.
Fortunately, there’s a way around the problem: pre-commitments, or the preemptive actions we can take to keep ourselves in check. Worried you’ll spend too much money at the bar? No problem, bring just the cash you’re willing to part with. Afraid you’ll skip out on your next gym visit? All right, then make plans to meet a friend there. And so on. Pre-commitments can take many a form, and some get pretty creative.
For example, I surveyed my audience at the lecture hall for their pro-self-control tactics, and I received two noble suggestions. One woman reported that when she goes out on a date with someone she shouldn’t bed, she makes a point to wear her granniest pair of granny underwear. Similarly, another woman said that when faced with that kind of date, she just doesn’t shave.
Both are great ideas, I think, and are likely to work — well they’re certainly better than only relying on the strength of your self-control — but there is a risk. Let’s say the woman with the ugly underwear finds herself uncontrollably attracted to her date and decides that, you know what, ugly underwear be damned, there will be sex tonight! Chances are she will wake up in the morning wishing she had worn her silk lingerie after all.
Irrationally yours
Dan
p.s if you have any personal self control stories that you are willing to share — please send them my way
I remember Reading about women who would carry a small bottle of washing up liquid in their purses. In restaurants, after they had eaten what they wanted, they would squirt some on the remaining food on their plate, preventing themselves from eating it.
A little extreme, but we’ve all don’t that, havn’t we? Decided we ha ha enough and then kept picking until it was all gone and we had to roll ourselves home.
Deciding, against ourselves, not to have all the options all of the time is what this is about. Still, it is reversible, and hence less risky, to wear ugly underwear, than say to sink your ships in order to let everybody understand that there is no going back (as did Cortés in the conquest of the Aztec Empire).
I dated a girl in college who lacked discipline with the credit card and couldn’t control impulse purchases. She told me she was going to freeze her credit card. Of course, I thought this meant she would call her credit card company and tell them to “freeze it.” In fact, she placed her credit card in a cup of water, stuck it in the freezer, and froze it.
The woman with the granny underwear could just go the the bathroom and remove them if she decides she wants to have sex with the man she’s dating. He would probably like the surprise even more.
Therefore I think that some auto-control mechanisms may be easily nullified in some way or another if the urge/short term wants take the helm. One would have to figure out really strong, unbreakable ways!
One of the important skills in paragliding is the control of the glider on the ground before taking off. Many paragliders don’t practice that a lot since, once the glider is up ,it’s very tempting to just take off and fly, rather than a boring ground practice.
A good way to force yourself into practicing is to simply do it in a flat place with no option to take off anywhere.
I don’t like putting on weight, but I enjoy eating chocolate biscuits. If there is a packet of biscuits in the cupboard, I will be overcome by temptation at some stage. However I find it easier not to buy them than be disciplined and when I think ‘I would love a chocolate biscuit’ I don’t have the option. Making sure you eat before you shop for groceries also helps keep the bill (and weight) down! I also have started buying ‘mini’ bottles of wine. They are more expensive per litre of wine, but I probably end up drinking less wine in the long run, so save money overall.
The “risk” is also true with the gym commitment — in fact, it’s kind of the point. These are means of creating credible punishments for misbehaving; if you go ahead and misbehave anyway, you will in fact be punished.
I buy a lot of books that I don’t read; if I really want to read a book, I won’t buy it, but will check it out from the library, so that I have to return it by a certain deadline. You may not want to pass that self-commitment mechanism along, though.
This is an ancient problem. Today’s modern solutions are not much different from the ancient solutions, from Wikipedia:
Odysseus was curious as to what the Sirens sounded like, so, on Circe’s advice, he had all his sailors plug their ears with beeswax and tie him to the mast. He ordered his men to leave him tied to the mast, no matter how much he would beg. When he heard their beautiful song, he ordered the sailors to untie him but they bound him tighter. When they had passed out of earshot, Odysseus demonstrated with his frowns to be released (Odyssey XII, 39).
This is a very interesting issue… the strategies you mentioned are both practical in some cases, and in short time.
Although I agree that restricting one’s choices is sometimes a good way for Starting to discipline oneself, in my experience, they cause a more undesirable outcome in the long run if repeated frequently..
for example, by repeatedly putting oneself in a position to get emotionally aroused while not able to act on it, one might be led to link pain to being in that emotional state.
Moreover, personally, relying on my previous attempt to make it impossible for myself to even consider a particular option makes me feel less responsible at the moment that I face the temptation. As a result I would be more likely to settle for a less desirable
experience.
what I recently did was to clearly write down the reasons why I’m intellectually convinced that I should not give in to a particular temptation. I was very firm and clear in my writing that I didn’t leave any room for making excuses later.
Then to make it easier for myself, I
thought of an other way I could immediately experience a similar kind and amount of pleasure without the pain of opposing
my own logic. Then I didn’t have to shut down the feeling, I just redirected it!
I sort of have an unintentional self-control tactic that’s meant to do one thing but does another. If there’s some big frivolous purchase I want to make (currently it’s a big HDTV, but it’s also been things like shoes or computer equipment) I tell myself that I can get it once I clean and organize everything in the cupboards and shelves in my apartment. I intend that to be a way to force myself to do some task I’m avoiding by offering a reward, but instead it usually keeps me from making the purchase.
Gillian – that is a tactic I should try
I’m trying to stop eating out. I spend too much money dining out. I tell myself I’ll do better tomorrow but when tomorrow comes…you know the rest. I just spent $20 on dinner for just me.
I realize that I usually decide to buy food when I am hungry and so my decisions and behavior are always irrational. I buy something expensive, eat too much…etc..
After reading Predictably Irrational recently I decided I would make sure I have a snack handy at all times so, I’m making any decisions when I am hungry. I’ll let you know how that goes.
TV is a big one for me. Once I click it on, it’s hard to get up and do something else.
Solution: got rid of the TV altogether. No more TV! No more cable bill, either! Amazing how much there is to do when there’s no TV around to distract you.
My girlfriend was always really worried about getting rid of the TV, claiming that there was nothing else to do. Now that it’s gone, she’s amazed at how much more she gets accomplished and says, “It’s crazy, but I don’t even miss it!”
Here is video from TED, about the self-control of 4 year old kids… the “marshmallow test”. Hilarious!!!
http://www.ted.com/talks/joachim_de_posada_says_don_t_eat_the_marshmallow_yet.html
Is delayed gratification the same as self-control? Many of our struggles deal with short term gratification vs. our long term goals.
Personally, I believe rituals are the best way to overcome the pull of short gratification, or hedonistic thinking.
The ritual mentioned by Bob H (above) that I too love, it’s to not keep junk food in the house. Simple rule, simple execution, great results.
My wife started one where she writes every morning for one hour. That way she doesn’t have to stress about how much or how little she wrote during the week.
Oscar: Thank you for the marshmallow link! FABULOUS!!
Dan: About a year ago you posted a video blog making the analogy between eating a piece of cake and the economic status in the US. This blog sparked a thought that while I could control my personal spending habits and was effectively applying short-term sacrifice for long-term gain to my finances, I was completely unable (unwilling?) to control my eating. So, I decided that if I could get my finances in order, I could get my eating in order.
Over the past year, I have lost over 60 pounds and have gone from “morbidly obese” to “overweight” bordering on “normal”. I have changed bad eating habits for healthier ones by making small and sustainable changes – increasing my water intake, increasing my intake of fresh fruits and vegetables, removing “red light foods” from my environment, becoming more active and so forth.
I still struggle with the “emotional eating” component. It is extremely difficult to turn off Mr. Hyde. The story I consider at times such as these is the trucking company interviewing potential new drivers by asking how close they could drive to the edge of a cliff without driving off. Driver 1 responds “within a few yards.” Driver 2 responds “within a few feet.” Driver 3 responds “I’m gonna stay as far away from that cliff as I can!” Driver 3 is hired.
When it comes to situations where I know that Mr. Hyde’s inclination is to go out of control crazy, my best Dr. Jekyll preparation is to stay as far away from the temptation as possible. Delayed gratification and indulgence in moderation also help. While I cannot give up the chocolate altogether, I do try to make sure the chocolate I do eat is of top-notch quality and in small quantity.
Finally the three mantras that have helped me the most over the past year are:
1. A failure to plan is a plan to fail.
2. Face your stuff, don’t stuff your face.
3. KISS your life (Keep It Simple and Sustainable)
Thank you as always for the food for thought (pun intended). And thank you for inspiring me to a healthier life!
About self-control and self-commitment devices: what do you think of the stickK.com phenomenon? Do you think it is truly effective?
Domenico:
Thanks for the link… I am going to try it.
Did you read the “about” section? http://www.stickk.com/about.php
Apparently it was funded by Dr. Karlan from Yale. The principles seem solid.
Susan R: I’m glad you enjoyed the video, I have seen it over ten times and it still makes me laugh.
I have to confess that I did (long ago) have a date with a woman who had not shaved her legs prior to the date (hmmm). At some point during the evening, we decided to throw caution to the wind, that sex was indeed on the menu that night, so she took a bath and shaved her legs at my place!
I can’t force myself to clean up regularly, soooo…. I try not to make a mess
(really, that’s my trick!)
It is not impossible to take more fundamental steps and eliminate the need for any preemptive actions, preemptive thoughts can be enough in some cases as indicated at the end of this video: Depth & Breadth of Concentration – Shinzen Young
People with high concentration power and awareness can perhaps even get rid of their Hyde. It may take a lot of effort to reach that point but in the long run it pays off. It’s a useful skill, one that people like me should aspire for I guess.
Apart from that, it’s a bit irrelevant to the topic but regarding women and hair, I’d suggest everyone to take a look at this:
“…Hair removal was introduced through the efforts of three different industries, the men’s hair removal industry, the women’s clothing fashion industry, and the women’s magazine industry, each of which recognized and sought to profit from women’s new role as consumers. These industries appealed to women’s acceptance of gender norms, marketing hair removal as a necessary feminine trait that could be achieved through the consumption of hair removal products. … The industry’s promotion of the practice of hair removal, combined with upper-class consumerism, succeeded in redefining femininity to include yet another element: the hair-free body…”
There are many other layers of predictable irrationality present in today’s society. Century of the Self is a very interesting documentary in that regard.
Yes we do give in to our senses / desires / lust most of the times. Here curbing the desires would simply won’t help, and the ‘granny underwear’ is probably the worst thing that you can do in such situation. In this way you are fooling yourself. Desire is impulsive, it’s just a moment of lust that all it takes for a person to be motivated and do something at subconscious level. It’s not that the lust / desires are indications of a sick mind or something bad, but being concious of it is the most important thing. Being concious of one self can only lead to some positive outlook in life.
The best way would be noting down the worst habit and thinking about the consequences of the bad habit. So whenever there is a desire rising above the desire thinking about the consequences proactively would definately help. Also you should learn to take things easily. Like if something does happen despite your best efforts you shdn’t feel dropped down in your own eyes. Once you start working proactively on the bad one bad habit the rest of the bad habits will follow the trend. Relaxation and meditation is very important to confront these situations.
Only eat in the kitchen. Do not take food into the living room, home office, or heaven forbig – the bedroom.
It appears as if you are asking for situations in which people are leveraging the external portion of a task that is distributed across both internal and external states. By changing the external state while in “emotion A” you change the equation when “emotion B” is reached.
This appears to be just a special case of someone intentionally externalizing their cognitive task.
The classic reference to this phenomenon is how pilots would put a coffee cup on a lever (while in an attentive state) to remind themselves not to adjust that lever in 2 hours (supposedly when they will be in a less attentive state) until they make a prerequisite, but less obvious, adjustment first.
Anyway, cool stuff! I love how a lot of these are externalizing tasks in a way that is not physical–such as making a promise to oneself. This is where accountability groups seem most relevant (AA, weight-watchers, etc) because they externalize the mental rules.
My wife set up a weekly discretionary budget in which she withdraws the total amount in cash at the beginning of the week. Since she started, our debt has gone down, savings up. It’s almost like playing a game now (no freezing of credit cards, however). On the women going to bars, the underwear seems to be too weak of a pre-commit device. I wonder if there is any statistical connection to drinking. If so, then the task is to reduce the amount of alcohol consumed. I always found the best way to do that was to have a huge dinner and/or a lot of water early in the evening. The belly becomes pre-committed to other foods already filling you up. No heavy drinking reduces likelihood of your mind changing course against another commitment.
What man gives a damn about a womens’ underwear when he is about to get laid?
Maybe this is a bit off topic, but I couldnt help writing it ; )
When I was young, I’ve used the granny underwear tactic for the opposite effect. I knew on a date, that if that happens it would be very embarrasing for me, so I was basically hoping that it will NOT happen. Offcourse, that helped me remain not to approaching, distanced and basicaly myself.
It worked as hell (i figured out that girls are much more attracted to man which are not trying too much), so I had to abandon this tactic soon, as the outcome was obvious anyway, and I wanted to avoid this embarassing manouvering just before we did it.
I have much less of a self-control problem than most people, but I like to snack while watching TV. I take a small portion of snacks like nuts, chips, cookies, put it in a little bowl and leave the bag in the kitchen so I eat less.
Dan – A colleague of mine regularly orders french fries with lunch. When she’s had the few that she’d planned in advance on eating, she pours sugar on the rest… rendering them inedible (at least to her palate): a lovely example of precommitment. (BTW, I tried doing the same thing with donuts, but for some reason it doesn’t seem to work.)
Dr Airely
How about you share your stories too? We would probably learn more that way. I have too many of them! Too many times that I have failed…
How about choosing ‘moderation mindset’ instead of ‘perfect control’?
Many great posts. Susan R. thanks for sharing. Love the Truck Driver avoidance analogy.
I am fascinated that so many humans share the same temptations yet vary in weakness to them.
Would love to see a study which quantifies temptation or weakness and how it changes over time. Consider the effects of maturity/experience, biology, or circumstance for individuals and groups.
I never considered it an indulgence to eat as much of anything I wanted as I have a very high metabolism. As I near 40 and find much less time for activity I have edged over the optimal weight for my height. While men in the US find little social stigma for this I do care to remain healthful in the long term and have begun to see food as a temptation for the first time.
On another front, I long considered female companionship outside of my relationships as a temptation to avoid. The stronger the attraction the further I distanced myself from any connection. Over time this avoidance has become far more intellectual than animal. I could surmise experience, biology and circumstance are all at work but can’t pinpoint the shift.
Wanting for material things has rarely tested my restraint however I’ve always wanted go give or provide at the high end of my capability. Even in my recent penchant for poker where higher stakes present greater adrenaline/excitement/enthusiasm for the games I find little desire to wager beyond what is within my budget for play.
I would love to understand what drives desire and restraint with such variance across populations.
Re The Underwear. Perhaps wearing the “chaste underwear” is more of a message to oneself about the type of person one wishes to be (now, tonight, forever). The clothing then talks to us during the evening (I am chaste, I am desirable, etc.). The other thing to consider is what the emotional states are, before during and after the event, or non-event.
O.K., it’s clear that arousal causes us to change perspectives. Is there a connection between power and fame that causes people to lose their basic character determined in the cold state?
My question pertains to the endless number of powerful males who make highly irrational choices – Tiger Woods being a recent graduate of the irrational graduate school.
At any rate, please let me know if you’ve done a study on the powerful and famous and why they tend to make irrational choices.
Thank you.
To stop spending money on knick-knacks just volunteer at a Habitat ReStore…Just the handling lots of junk and putting prices on it, makes it less of a desireable object and more of a “chore” to just get through after the novelty of the item wears thin from seeing the same type of items (used of course) over and over…or shopping the same store for a week without buying any thing…the item just isn’t that interesting anymore…Cures impulse spending…helps society, helps you determine “real bargains”.
Thanks for your sharing.so wonderful!wish you have a lovely day and Happy New Year.
Hot sale MBTs
Cheap MBT shoes
From – http://www.david-jados.com/toning-sneaker/
“Who is a hero?
He who conquers his passions”
(Avot, Chapter 4, 1).
Whenever I have previously arranged a morning run with someone else I would be in our meeting place at a time (well or at least no more than 5 minutes late). When I am going for a training on my own, I tend to postpone going out from my house as long as I can.
Also people tend to spend less if they are writng down their spendings, so they really can see how much they have spent.
In both of these cases – being accountable to somebody is one of the ways to self-control, however, it is again kind of external control.
I think if there’s a will there’s a way, both ways.
If there’s a will to stop yourself, you’ll go to all ends to attempt to do so…
Unfortunately likewise, predictably irrationally, we’ll go to all means to attempt to undo what we’ve done to protect ourselves if we’re really out to do it in the spur of the moment…
predictably irrationally…
This is my rambling response to the shaving and granny panties discussion.
I have always resented the time expenditure to do the “tedious personal grooming” required of me to be acceptable as a woman in this culture (WASP North America 1967 to present).
Don’t get me wrong, I shower and wash my hair and brush my teeth, I trim inconvenient hair, also I take care that my face is free of errant hair, but that’s about it. I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl. Plucking, exfoliating, shaving, manicuring, and makeup are anathema to my intellectual and active working self.
When I was dating, I had to evaluate what a potential partner thought about a woman “au naturel”. I found this to be a very good screening process, for a person who will enjoy me for who I am would not be too troubled by unshaved legs.
As I have gotten older, I am also more likely to groom beyond my preferences for a partner who loves me for who I am yet would like a little smoother me occasionally.
So, to the granny panties I say hoorah! If he (or she) will have you in your granny panties then that is a good model for a life together. It can always get better from there.
If I were to do all of that tedious grooming to go on a date, I would be misleading my potential partner. How valid would my choices be, or how lasting would a relationship be based on such a start?
From another angle, if I were to prim and pluck to go out for an evening, for me that would signal that I am simply looking for a casual sexual experience rather than a partner, since I am essentially hiding my true self.
How much of dating and relationships consists of this lying about your self? How many people get into relationships under false pretenses and therefore are trapped in a role they are not comfortable with? How many people prefer that their mates conform to what they think they ought to be rather than being honest and true to themselves?
I have conquered smoking but can’t stop biting my nails. I don’t watch TV or play video games but I “waste” hours watching TED talks. I don’t shop for fun but I spend too much on books, which I spend too much time reading. People are complex.
/end ramble
minx in granny panties
It occured to me reading the Further Reflections on Self Control in “Irrational” (page 259 & f) that I had devised ways to trick myself into doing certain things (and in no way by this example do I take lightly the incredible pain that Dan suffered with the Interferon treatments);
For example, I am a runner and train very seriously. Due to my schedule I have to get up at 4:30 AM, five or six days a week – all seasons – and train either outside or at the gym. Now what “rational” person would put themselves through this, even if there is a benefit I can personally attest to (such as having more energy, sleeping better, feeling fit, etc.)?
So, to assist in keeping on this rigorous regimen, I started placing little “treats” on my office desk that would great me in the morning if I got up, such as a mini candy bar or a shot of Red Bull. Other times I would buy a lottery ticket the night before and just the thought (however irrational) that I might wake up and discover that I was now a multi-millionaire was enough to drag myself out of bed! It seems that I was accepting a small irrational behavior (small candy bar or a wasted dollar on the lottery ticket) as a means to accomplish the larger rational goal of training…
hmm..the Granny Panties might actually have me more excited..depends how ugly they are (the underwear, not the woman)