Why should one person always pay for shared meals?
When the server drops off the check at the end of a meal, people often scramble to figure out the norms for payment. Do we each pay for what we ordered? Do we split the bill evenly even if John had that extra glass of wine and the crème brûlée?
Luckily, findings from behavioral economics can help answer this burning question. It turns out that one person should pay the entire bill, and that the person paying should alternate over time. Here is the reason:
When we pay any amount of money we feel some psychological pain (we call this the pain of paying). This is the unpleasantness that is associated with giving up our hard earned cash. But it also turns out that this pain does not increase linearly with the cost of the meal. This means that when we double the payment, the pain doesn’t double-it only increases by a bit. In fact, the biggest increase in the pain of paying comes when we switch from paying nothing to paying something. This of course means that we are happiest when we pay nothing, that we are slightly less happy when we have to pay something, and that we become even more unhappy as the size of the bill increases.
Now, if we take into account the utility of all the people at the table, it is easy to see why one person should pay the entire bill. If every person paid their share they would all experience some pain of paying (lets say 4 people, each experiencing X amount of pain for a total of 4X), but if one person paid the entire bill, then the pain of paying for that person will not be that much higher than if he paid just for himself (lets say it will be 1.5X) and everyone else would be “pain free.”
Is this system financially efficient? Probably not, because different meals cost different amounts, or the person whose turn it is to pay may be out of town, etc. But even if you end up paying a bit more in the long-run for engaging in this practice, you are likely to experience less pain of paying and have more fun dining out with your friends.

My latest book, The Upside of Irrationality, explores some positive and some negative ways that irrationality plays out in our lives.

I’ve always thought this too, but in a different way.
The price of money stays the same but the value of it can vary. $100 is $100 to you. But if someone pays your $50 it feels as though it’s worth more than $50; paying for someone’s $50 share is just $50, yet in the gift of giving it’s worth more. Someone treating you to a meal (which you know, ultimately, you’ll return the favour of- negating any financial benefit) is worth more than the value of the bill itself.
Perhaps it really is better to give than to receive.
I always try to do this and end up paying for meals rather than having friends do it, and then eventually convince them to alternate and pay for meals and/or coffee/drinks. There are two hidden costs. One, it’s difficult to remember who paid last when you engage in this transaction with a good number of people, so there is a psychological cost if you think you are paying a disproportionate number of meals or allowing your friends to pay a disproportionate number, regardless of whether you are doing this or not. Memories are not perfect.
Two, there are switching costs. It’s awkward to ask friends to alternate paying, they tend to think you are angling for something or are excessively generous, mostly because it’s not common social behavior.
Does this blend Market Norms with Social Norms? It seems that is what Charlie is getting at?
Credit card roulette!!! It evens out in the long run.
Sadly, this will not work for social reasons. First, the friends who don’t pay will feel an obligation toward the payer, which may be more painful than paying their own bill, inasmuch as they must (1) remember the gift and (2) give back in kind in the future. Second, the payer will remember the amount and will feel cheated if, in the future, friends following the program happen to pay less. Last, this transaction binds all the friends in a monetary/social contract without a foreseeable conclusion, at least until they stop the practice.
Great post, Dan.
And I’m with Chris on the credit card roulette – but why not let the payer skip putting his card down for the next few meals just to be extra certain no one gets screwed by a string of bad luck?
Still: I wonder if this supports the conventional wisdom of grant writers that it is as easy (if not more so) to ask for a “large” sum as it is to ask for a “small” sum?
‘Til now I always assumed that was because one “ask” would reach the goal if it was large enough while “smaller” would increase the number of “asks”.
Laura Woodruff seems to evoke the Japanese culture of obligations as described by Ruth Benedict in “Chrysanthemum and the Sword”.
–ml
This works best when the friends are of approximately the same financial status, and when the same group gets together often. For example, coworkers at lunch. Or if the group is just 2. I like it better for the reasons you outlined. Paying for my companion feels good, and the cost doesn’t seem twice as bad as paying for two lunches. Then, when friend pays, I get treated, and that feels nice, plus, I didn’t have to pay! I also like not having to figure out the math each time (math pain > payment pain) It won’t work if there is not trust.
Ha! this is great. Today I paid the whole bill for drinks, again. Heh.
Dan, have been reading your book, fantastic, and it has helped me come closer to the 3-tier definition (and related product) centered on user-context, behavior and application to mobile Internet… Cheers.
ceo
I hope I am not stereotyping. Actually it makes perfect sense for One person to pick the tab (since he is paying some money any way, he might as well make three other happy by paying a little more). We humans being humans will respond back by paying the next bill.
This works perfect when you have a set of common friends or family. When you know that you are sticking together for a long time.
It also eases out the mind from calculating in the mind (all the time) while ordering food.
Another advantage is you will be free to sample from several dishes.
Also, paying individual bills is a western phenomenon. In India (and in the sub continent), it is always One person paying the bill.
I am not sure if it has also to do with culture,economic development etc.
That’s funny. I saw the headline (and links around the web) as was surprised. I thought that each contributing his cost (as working engineers tend to do at lunch) encouraged the most savings.
It turns out this is about pain … which might be true, depending on how non-payers feel observing free-riders.
When you have in your group a chronic high-orderer and under contributor, (or under tipper!) it’s galling.
I’m speaking of groups joined more by work circumstance etc that friends out. In social situations the fun seems to be in ignoring costs anyway, and putting it down to fun.
BTW, I encouraged some of the young poorer-than-me guys to walk down to Quiznos with me yesterday. They have a $5 large sandwich special going on. One guy (and I) went the thrifty option, a $5 sandwich with plain water to drink. It was pretty good. The other guy passes on the deal, buys a better sandwich .. and chips .. and a drink .. and then says as we sit down, “I don’t like this place, it’s expensive.”
What can you do?
I totally get the pain aspect of this argument, but I am one of those people who doesn’t drink alcohol (actually just drink water most of the time) or get dessert, so my total is usually half that of the person who gets a drink, entree and dessert/coffee. So when I pay for my 4 friends, it’s actually like 8 of my individual meals. I try not to feel bad about paying for them, but I think I would be better off just contributing for myself – I definitely get the raw end of any other deal.
When I go out to eat with mynieces or my daughters which they are all working and are over 30 years old, I always feel like I have to pay for them. They never offer to pay for themselves or even ever pay for my dinner or lunch. Sometimes I feel like this is not right, but I still feel the obligation to do so. Most of the time I don’t mind but sometimes especially when I am not working and they are and I am using my spouses money I do feel like someone else should take the ticket. How do I stop this? they donot ever pay me back even though they are always in touch, I have a niece that Is 34 and has a son, and they very often come to my house for dinner and they donot ever bring anything.
Some friends are scorekeepers and some are not. You don’t necessarily know in advance which is which. By paying for dining out every time, you remove uncertainty about whether you are considered by anyone else to be in their debt. This lack of uncertainty is beneficial. You remain ahead with scorekeepers, or at least not behind. The sorekeepers will eventually become uncomfortable about your “lead,” and will offer to pay. You win either way, though, because the choice remains yours whether to pay or whether to allow yourself to be treated.
Suddenly I felt a little bitter over all the friends/family/occassions I\’ve been left to foot the bill, expected to pay for the item/meal/tickets etc. More often than not I\’ve done it willingly but I hate someone else to suggest it and then expect me to pay. Unfortunately, my behaviour hasn´t changed, I just go out less. What\’s more, I\’m skint!
WhenI am with a potential supplier, a customer or a prospect I always want to pay for our meal. But with friends or family, I agree that it works best if one person pays, so long as it is not always the same person. What bugs me are the guys who never offer. At best, they will offer to split the tab. Despite my wife\’s plans, I am less and less willing to dine with those types.
This is one of those ‘can’t see the forest for the trees’ situations. Spending time with one’s friends is what is important. Friends share – just say ‘your turn.’ If you’re with a friend/s, it’s clear. If it’s not a friend, then there will be ‘tears’; move on. If the last thing wanted is offense, either say nothing and continue (and LET IT GO or you’ll die young) or stop going out with that person/s.
I agree with Kathie that it can be galling to always be paying more but if one says nothing, then the ‘bad’ behaviour is being reinforced by the person that is the recipient of that behaviour.
Three choices:
1. do/say something, or
2. let it go and keep the friend (remembering that nothing can be unsaid ever – it ought to be a first law of something), or
3. drop this ‘friend,’ remembering that friends treat each other with respect (social norms) which include not shafting each other (market norms) but if one is keeping score, that’s not friendship.
I think this is a win-win situation.
When someone treats us, we feel good because we received a present. Who doesn’t like getting something for nothing?
But there’s also pleasure in giving. We feel proud that we’re able to treat our friends. And we also know from primate research that social contracts like this are in our genes. PIcking up the tab is the human equivalent of grooming.
I’d be curious to have your opinion/analysis on the “Bank” system I personally like a lot: http://www.stoweboyd.com/message/2007/07/being-the-bank.html (as the discussion around the incident shows, I think there are cultural issues at stake too).
Hi, interest post. I’ll write you later about few questions!
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